A Goodbye, before the Goodbye

Never did I think I would ever be saying goodbye to my mom at such a young age. Which I don’t think at any age its easy losing a parent. There comes a point though where if you’ve watched them suffer and are in so much pain, you become selfless and want God to take them instead of wishing them more pain just so they can stay around. That is where I am at. Yes, it sucks. It fucking sucks more than you’ll ever know, unless you’ve lost a parent and know the feeling. I want my mom. I want my best friend. I want to do so much with that woman but we can’t. Not anymore. Its time for her to go to her home where she will live a happy, pain free life the rest of her life and we will see her again one day. It will be the best day ever when we do. No my mom isn’t gone yet but its evident it won’t be too much longer.

As of Sunday her kidneys were starting to fail. Once they fail her other organs will but I will tell you this, that woman even fights to die. She amazes me. Most people half her age couldn’t have gone through what she has and still be a live right now. Her heart and lungs are as strong as ever. Its sad watching this slow process because I know she is ready but me and her are able to laugh about it too because what else are you going to do? The amount of pain medicine she takes would put me in a coma for sure but I am so glad she is FINALLY comfortable. We’ve had a lot of problems with pain medicine and nurses and we’ve finally found a way to keep her out of pain during this and that makes me so happy. It makes her very happy too. She is able to tolerate everyone visiting and her grandkids running around making a racket now. That’s all she wanted.

I have been visiting her for short amount of times this past week. With sick babies and work starting I can’t stay all day. I would sit there all day with her though if I could and if she wanted me to. She tells me to go take care of my family just like she would and I respect her so much for that. We have laughed so much in the past week, we’ve cried even more and also just sat while holding hands. Can I just tell you right now how funny my mom is? Even on her death-bed she finds a way to make me laugh which makes me cry, and then she’ll stop my crying by making me laugh again. It can be the most stupid thing in the world, like her body making the weirdest noises right now and us not knowing what it is, she looks at me like what the hell is that? I look back at her and we burst in a crying laughter. Like I said the most amazing woman I know. I hope I am just like her, I will live my life to be as wonderful and giving as she always has been.

I’m not saying Goodbye (although the post title states otherwise). I am saying “Until I see you again”. I know that for sure. I can’t say Goodbye. Not to my mom, I won’t do it.

Mom,

You are the most selfless person I have ever had the honor of knowing. You give to people even when you should be the one who’s given to. You are the best mom in the world. I remember doing so much as a child, you took us everywhere. Even to Disney World all by yourself, multiple times with 3 kids. I don’t know how you did it. You were strict but you were also my best friend. You were the one I came to when I liked a boy, when a boy broke my heart and when I finally met the one I knew I would spend the rest of my life with, I came to you to tell you everything. Your beauty is inside and out, you are a beautiful woman. You shine and you’ve always been a light in my eye. One that I hope to achieve to be just like. I love that we developed an even closer bond as I became an adult. You are my best friend, my only friend I know I can count on when needed. When Maddie was born you and her developed a special relationship. Mom, she is just like you. I look at her and her happiness is contagious. Just like you. I am so thankful you and Maddie were able to develop that bond, and recently you and Jocelynn have gotten very close. I see your compassion for people and your love to give in her. She is going to miss you dearly and its going to be hard, but know I will do everything in my power to make her know you. Not to forget how loving, caring and giving you were and most of all how much you love her. I love you with all of my heart momma. It is ok to go, we are fine. I know you love hearing that. That’s one thing that drove you crazy was whenever I said “I’m fine”. Your response was always “fine isn’t a feeling!!” But we are or we will be. Its going to be hard and I dread every single day after but I am so unbelievably thankful for having a mom like you. Thankful for even knowing someone like you in my lifetime. I love you more than life mom. Until I see you again…..

p.s –  (from Jocelynn) If you can, throw the ball for Roxanne a couple of times and tell her we will see her again too.

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