We have had a lot going on lately. I haven’t even been able to blog to catch up on everything. I have been in a lot of pain and extremely tired so its been trying.
Yesterday, I went back to the Rheumatologist for my follow up appointment. They took a lot, a lot, of blood at my original appointment and he prescribed me some medicine to try and help me before we knew what we were really dealing with. The medicine didn’t help at all. I might be in worse pain now than I have in a while.
I dropped my babies off at my wonderful friend Lindsay’s house. So thankful she could watch them for me because I was going to take all of them with me until she told me to bring them to her. I thought everything was going to go good, we thought I had RA and we were going to try a new medicine or get a game plan. Well, that game plan changed as soon as my doctor walked through the door. He started reading all of my results to me. Lab test by lab test. Words and numbers I am not, and I think most people aren’t unless you’re a doctor, that I wasn’t familiar with. Then I heard him say “oh well this is a lupus positive”. Then again “that test is a lupus positive also”. After 5 more readings of lab test, turns out I have lupus. Don’t get me wrong, it is not a death sentence. I have heard its very manageable but you have to ask yourself “why me?” Why am I in so much pain? Why does it have to be me? I have three babies, a house and a husband to take care of and that I love taking care of, why did this disease choose me? I held my composure together while we conversed about medications. Then he sent me off to get more blood work done and schedule another appointment in 6-8 weeks. I got my blood work done, checked out and headed to my car. Got in the car and just sat there. Then the tears went rolling. I needed to cry. It felt good. I don’t want anyone or myself to feel sorry for me but when you get news like this, its hard not to cry or question everything and everyone with the WHYS.
I left there and headed to pick me and Lindsay up a coffee. I knew I needed a friend to talk to and I wanted to treat her for keeping my babies so Dunkin Donuts it was. I walked in her house and was trying to contain my emotions. She looked at me and said “Cry Jen. You need to and you’ll feel better”. So I did. I seem to cry a lot lately so my babies weren’t even bothered by it. I cry out in pain or break down in cries at night because of pain. It felt good to open up to Lindsay and have a friend be there for me. I don’t have many friends so it was a nice change. We sat and talked while listening to our kids play with each other. Then we headed home to see daddy.
On the way home, my dad called me. I knew I was going to start crying as soon as I picked up the phone. Because you know, it is your daddy. He told me he was sorry and he was praying for me. My dad has RA and he told me “you get use to the pain”; that made me cry even harder because honestly who the hell wants to get use to this? Who wants to live their entire life in pain? Not anyone. Do we have to? Hopefully not. Hopefully the meds will work and get me to remission until I flareup the next time. I wish my dad didn’t hurt all the time either. It breaks my heart that he hurts everyday the same way I hurt. If you know anyone with RA or Lupus do me a favor, give them a big fat hug and say a prayer for them, ok? I know you think, eh arthritis is cant be that bad. Well, my friend let me tell you something. I might not have arthritis but its very close. I have a very high pain tolerance and this is killing me. So just say a prayer for one person you know with one of these awful diseases.
I had already told Matt as soon as I found out so he already knew. We pulled into the driveway and he got all of the kids out of the car for me. He took them inside while I got all of our stuff out of the car. He came back out and wrapped his arms around me and said “I’m sorry babe”. He loves me and I love him so much. It hurts to see your spouse in pain and I know he was worried about me. He did make me feel better. He kept hugging me all night long and it was so sweet. I just needed that time yesterday and last night to ask questions and be upset about it before I take this disease head on. I will too. I will find a medicine that works and I will feel better. I cant be in pain. I am a mom and a wife and I don’t have time for this. I have already been taking some medicine and hopefully within a few weeks it will kick in. Until it does I know how to live with this, I have been living in pain for a while now. It hurts and it sucks but as a mom, you have to.