It has been a very long couple of weeks. Lots of emotion, pain and of course laughter from our beautiful blessings. Oh how I do not know what I would do without the laughter of my children to get me through some of the hardest days.
1. My mom went back into the hospital (yes, again) a few weeks ago because of another possible infection, Alongside of a cough and being nauseous. They completely took her port out and her picc line, which she had been receiving chemo through recently instead of the port. So she didn’t have anything. Not even a way to get her nutrition through a TPN. They sent her home. The doctor wanted to send her home with hospice. This made my mom feel like this is the end. Most people who go home with hospice aren’t doing very well at all. And yes, I know hospice can be great for people and it would probably help her out a lot but it meant the end to her or that she was getting close to it. None of us knew why he sent her home without a game plan? We all just got very sad thinking about what was to come. The only thing we did know for sure was the chemo she has been taking since October is not working. It is not shrinking the tumor in her stomach but her tumor hasn’t grown bigger either so thats a good thing. No one will operate on her because its too risky. She is extremely weak right now too and would never make it through surgery. During the time she was in the hospital to home she lost 15 lbs in 5 days from being off her TPN. Which showed us just how important those nutrients are to her. She got out of the hospital that Monday and went and met with her doctor Wednesday to figure out what was going on. I told her to film her conversation with him. We (her family) never have the opportunity to attend these meetings with her and my brother so we have no clue what goes on in there and I wanted to know. The way he explained it is he thought she might have been done fighting. He told her she had fought like hell thus far and he just wasn’t sure if she was done or not given the fact the chemo did nothing but make her very ill. She told him she wasn’t done fighting. He agreed to try a different chemo on her, a stronger chemo. She went into surgery last Friday to put not a picc line or port but some other source to get chemo and nutrients. I completely forgot what it is called. She did very well during it and started receiving her nutrition through it immediately. She got her first round of this chemo two days ago and it must be bad ass. My mom is sick. More sick than we have ever seen her and I don’t know if thats good or bad. Do I want to see my mom this sick for 6 more months to see if maybe possibly its going to help? Of course I want her to be cancer free but this? This is hard. Seeing her so sick and in so much pain is no fun and I don’t know what to do for her. I have talked before about my need for control in situations. I feel very out of control and out of reach in this. I don’t know what to do for her so I am trying to follow Gods lead by him telling me to just be there. Be there for her no matter what. I might not be able to make her feel better and I might not be able to take this devil away from her but I can be there for her and show her how much we love her. Because we do. I love that woman more than she will ever know and it kills me thinking of living my life without her, or my kids living their lives without her. She is a big part of us. We are praying every single day that this chemo will do something. Anything. Just to keep our moomoo on this earth with us longer.
2. During all of this my pain has been intensifying. I haven’t been able to get out of bed the past week without rolling off because my back hurts so bad. I so did not want to take these emergency steroids but I had to. I started them a few days ago and already feel a little bit better. I don’t know what is going to happen but I know it needs to be soon. I need to get on some new meds or something. This really does suck hurting when my mom needs me right now. It has made me call into work. I love working with those little kids and I love the women that I work with. I feel like I am letting a lot of people down. I am a commitment person. If I make a commitment to you, I am going to keep it and if any way I feel like I am not owning up to it I am very hard on myself. It made me feel guilty calling into work the past couple of times but let me tell you about these sweet women I work for, they are angels. All they told me was to do whatever I needed to do, take care of myself, my mom and my kids and let them know if they could do anything. They are amazing. To show them my appreciation I treated them all to Domino’s pizza yesterday and OMAHGAH it was delicious. I had to splurge a little too and try the cheeseburger bacon pizza. Let’s just say it made my day a little brighter lol.
3. Speaking of school, the kids had their Easter egg hunt yesterday. It was very rainy and gross though so the school had the older kids go to the cafeteria for their hunt and my little class went to the playground before the rain started. I made a few last minute shirts for the kids and they looked precious! They were ready to get their hunt on!
4. Easter is this weekend and we have nothing planned. Literally. It came way too fast. I did order the kids a few easels from Amazon for easter morning and toy filled eggs so we don’t have to stuff any. My dad flew in last night so I think we may just play it by ear on how my mom feels. I wish she felt great so we could do a big Easter celebration with each other. I was looking forward to having everyone over and doing an egg hunt with lots of food, laughter and family. Storms are expected on Sunday so maybe if we all say a little prayer mom might feel up to doing an egg hunt tomorrow? I sure hope so. I know the kids would love it and they would love for their moomoo to be here to watch them. I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and celebrates the true meaning of it. I hope you all hug your mom and your dad and let them know how much you love them. It can all change very quickly so we should all love while we can.
5. I got to spend a lot of one on one time with my baby girl last weekend. Me and Jocelynn were in my cousins wedding in Clanton last weekend. It was gorgeous. She got married on a Friday so the rehearsal was that Thursday. Because of it being on a Thursday me and Joc were the only ones that went since it would be so late. My dad and Matt watched the other two and went to bed early since Matt gets up at 2 am to go to work. I was still in pain around this time but I toughed it out for my beautiful cousin, Samantha. Me and Jocelynn had a blast with each other. We had an amazing steak rehearsal night and then spent the day with each other all day Friday getting ready for it. I was so nervous the whole day thinking about my mom in surgery and if she was going to come or not. I didn’t think she would be able to make it but I talked to Matt and she was at our house helping Matt and dad get the other two kids dressed for the wedding!! Can you believe her? She will not let a single soul down. My mom truly is amazing. We had a great night and celebrated Sam and her new husband. We left before the real party got started but thats because we had to get our exhausted little babies back home and in bed. My mom left before we did because she was hurting. I just cant believe she did that, she is so strong.