Mommy Guilt is a funny thing. Well, actually it isn’t because it can bother us tremendously. I get mommy guilt often. Guilt when Jocelynn bust her eye open. I felt like I should have been hovering over her at all times. It broke my heart. Guilt when I have to pop them on their little legs for miss-behaving. But lately I have mommy guilt because I feel like I haven’t been the best mom to Madelynn as I was with the twins.
Its stupid. It really is and I don’t know why I feel this way. I have been a great mom to her. Very hands on and I play with her a lot like I did with the twins. But I feel guilty because I haven’t done everything with her that I did with the twins at her age. I never made Maddie a footprint at 6 months for a keepsake like I did with the twins. I didn’t do her tiny hand around Christmas time in clay to make a sweet ornament like I did with the twins. I haven’t filmed her as much with the video camera like we did with the twins. Just the little things. It bothers me so badly. I don’t want her to grow up and ask why she doesn’t have a tiny footprint or a Santa Claus hand ornament. You can’t just tell a kid or even a teenager “Well, bunny I had three kids under two and I was very busy with y’all”. Because no one understands what moms do or go through until you are a mom.
Isn’t it crazy how just a few tiny things can eat you alive? I’m not going to let it anymore. I’m going to make Maddie new and different things that I didn’t do with the twins. I want her to feel special too. Because she is just that. She is an unbelievably special gift that entered our lives surprisingly but we were thrilled to welcome her. I love her so much. I want her to know that. She wakes about an hour before Jocelynn and JP do during nap time. I am going to take that time to start making even more memories with her. Not just memories but little keepsakes too because I don’t want to forget her tiny, little chubby hands. She is already growing way too fast for my liking.
I guess I’m trying to tell myself that this is all ok and it happens. I just feel bad for not doing those things and I need to let it go. The things that matter don’t have to be documented, they don’t have to be made into keepsakes because they are all in my head. Always. Because you can’t document or make keepsakes to describe the feeling you get when your baby first looks up at you and grabs you hand. Or the first time they start crawling. Walking and talking. Those memories are all ours. I do love that. So go away mommy guilt! I am not dealing with you anymore… it isn’t necessary.
After all, how guilty can one person feel when you look at this beautiful happy baby??